better to be alone...

I can't explain how I feel now, I just want to get rid all the thoughts that occupying my mind these days.I want to be alone though I long for chatting and laughing..
I forgot how to laugh like I used to.Laughing like a crazy,with her mouth big opened.
I couldn't smile from the bottom of my heart.Even when i talk,there are a lot of evasions.

I have had a lot of friends and they complimented on my good relations with people around me,
they envied my caring and kindness to people.
BUT,they do not know the truth that I didn't do much on getting friends because
I don't like socializing, racking my brain to come out with a boring and meaningless conversation topic.All I did, until today,was follow.I don;t approach people to starts a conversation,somehow, i do have the chance getting new friends.Of course, not many.
And this has brought me into a struggling in myself.

I strongly believe that I should not get close and start liking,admiring someone. When i did, there always are problems occurred. Because the weakness of the person and myself get obvious from time to time.May be long term toleration isn't noted in my dictionary. I can put up with someone by keeping quiet, but there is a limit,and now, it is close to the red line..
I am controlling myself from making the situation worse by being reticent about my inner feeling.

I realized what kind of life i have been longing for.It is just a normal life a teenager will go through.I long for a free mind, a true friend,and someone who loves me. I am going through a normal life, I have 2 true friends,soul mates,and a man who loves me.A free mind,I need you.

dont say that I am being calculating in fact you are the one who is being calculating.
dont be so confidence with yourself if you are not sure about it.
I didnt know I did the wrong thing, nor wanted to do the things you complaint after I did it.because I dont know!
I didnt want to forget too, but i forget! what am I going to do?forgetting is not my intention!
The mind is piled up with exclamation marks which i wish to shout it out(it would be the best if the target is you!!)
dont wanna think about the relationships with the Japanese,dont wanna think about being proactive, dont wanna think about how to put up with someone who has helped me before.

How glad if I am being alone now, without you bothering me, or me bothering you.
How glad if only I could be cool like now but not hesitating nor worrying about it.

To you who knows what I mean:You do realized these dont you?even you dont, I hope that You will realized this one day. At least there is someone understand how I feel and stand by my side,telling me I wasnt wrong...